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:icondwkeiko:
Critique by dwkeiko dwkeiko/critique/743353216">Dec 20, 2012, 2:06:17 AM
You requested a critique... This will be my first one ever on DA, so bare with me please X3

"The firs wear coats made of snow"

I'm not sure if I read it wrong, but I don't understand what firs is supposed to be. It could simply be me, not understanding a word.

I would also add a little use of enjambment. For example, in the first stanza, the second and third line end with hard end rhymes. Possibly try to shift down so it's somewhere in the stanza, instead of the end. For visual effects it would look better because it wouldn't stand out as much. The second stanza doesn't have that issue because you have use of slant rhymes (soars/floors).

Also, the last stanza. Even though it makes sense as one sentence, I might break it up into two after the end of the second line, "Covers the peaceful land below." It's just because it's rather long without any pauses from periods or commas.

Now that I got that out of the way. Praise, you had great imagery and descriptive words. Example: "Solemn silence like mist soars to mountain tops from valley floors."

You had great sound and rhythm. That example above shows that. There was a lot of alliteration, which i really, really liked, rhyming (and it wasn't obnoxious rhyming either) and also repetition. The use of repetition was done extremely well because the first and last stanza are very similar, but have small differences. I thought that was cleaver.

One last thing I really liked was how you paced it well. The imagery set up this peaceful land and then your line:

"White, white as the burial shrouds"

it was so smooth and slow... It fit the mood so well- I thought that line was written very well.

So overall, I really enjoyed your poem! Just play with the rhythm a little, see what you can make by adding or subtracting punctuation. Keep writing because I love seeing great work on here :D I hoped my critique kind of helped, if not, I'm really sorry! Best of luck with your poem!
:3
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.
dwkeiko/critique/743353216#comments">4 Replies

Comments


:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you for the critique :)
As for firs, according to the dictionary I'm using, these are coniferous trees (and also used as common christmas trees).
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2013   Writer
firs are trees ducks....

....and after reading the critique one word sticks out for me (you know it's coming)....

RHYTHM

:squee:
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
xDD
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:icondwkeiko:
dwkeiko Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your welcome :D
Ugh, I knew it was a word, because nobody else said anything about it but I was like wtf X3 lol!
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